Thanks for your support and encouragement. My discussion Tuesday morning (about Ayn Rand, Christianity, and my personal quest for common ground) went well, but before I mention the details, I think I should explore why this was such a big deal.
I’m sure there’s a lot of psychology behind why this discussion has been difficult for me. There’s got to be more to it than “hasn’t been the occasion” because it’s not as big a deal to discuss this with others. I think the reasons are twofold, but I invite any armchair psychologists to weigh in. First, I have always desired my parents’ approval. It’s simple, but it goes beyond an ordinary desire and traverses into the inordinate realm. In many ways, I have defined my worth by my mom’s assessment, instead of what I know in my mind to be true (that’s another discussion relating to what Jesus Christ says about me that is so radical that it defines who I am.)
The second reason that this was a momentous discussion there is a sense of pride that comes from my fear of failure. And that fear gets exacerbated with my mom. Generally, I didn’t tell anyone that I was writing a book because I thought to myself, “If I can’t see this project to its completion, I don’t want anyone to know that I have failed at something that was important to me.” That feeling of embarrassment or shame is compounded with my mom. But, regardless of how I’m feeling about it now, that train left the station when I decided to take a leave-of-absence. But I’m not standing on the platform, waiting to see what happens. I’m actively shoveling the coal into the furnace to propel the engine down the track.
Would that locomotive be on a Taggart Transcontinental line?